This one is for all my highly sensitive, deeply feeling, empathic, neurodivergent, gifted, “orchid children” or anyone who has always experienced the world and/or themselves with a particular intensity. What you’re going to discover here is that intensity doesn’t have to mean overwhelm or dysregulation; in fact, it can be a gift.

Whatever label or diagnosis you’ve been given, that doesn’t matter here. What matters is the intensity with which you experience the world and yourself.

Whether that has been intense sensations, intense emotions, intense thoughts, intense reactions, intense passion. You might notice things other people don’t seem to notice.

Certain sounds, fabrics, smells, environments that bother you, yet don’t seem to bother others in quite the same way. You might notice and feel the subtle shifts of energy in the room. Maybe your passionate ideas are often met with push back, dismissal, or attempts to tone you down.

Keep reading if this tracks. And definitely keep reading if somewhere along the way you’ve made to feel like this was a problem. Or that you were the problem.

Keep reading if you’ve been trying to fix this about yourself; if you feel like your intensity is something wrong with you.

Or maybe you haven’t even recognized that you’ve been trying to solve “the problem” of your intensity … so that others will feel more comfortable around you, so that people you love will stay in relationship with you or accept you or understand you.

You’ve Spent So Long Trying to “Feel Better” (i.e. make it stop)

You’ve been trying to “feel better” for so long that you’ve gone through all the various modalities to heal yourself – meditation, journaling, therapy, medication, yoga, exercise, supplementation, the right morning and evening routines.

You’ve searched through all the possible explanations of why you’re this way – got your diagnosis, know your star sign, Human Design type, personality type, attachment wound, and have spoke with and supported your inner parts.

And I am not putting any of these down or claiming they are unhelpful. Absolutely not. I love all forms of self-discovery and have done all of those things too. But even with all of this self-understanding and all of these tools, you may still find yourself wanting to escape from the intensity itself: “How do I make this feeling/experience stop?“

Why Do I Feel Everything So Intensely?

There isn’t one answer. Some people are naturally more sensitive to sensory and emotional information. Temperament, genetics, neurodivergence, giftedness, early experiences, trauma, stress, and the way our nervous system has learned to respond to the world can all play a role. And often, it’s not one thing but a combination of many things.

What matters here isn’t figuring out exactly why you experience things so intensely. It’s recognizing that experiencing the world more deeply or intensely doesn’t automatically mean there’s something wrong with you. Your nervous system may simply be taking in and responding to more information, more deeply, differently, or more quickly than someone else’s.

The Messages You Learn When You Feel Intensely & Deeply

When it comes to the truth about your experience with intensity, I’m almost certain that the messages you’ve absorbed are:

• Stop being so emotional
• Calm down
• Stop overreacting
• Stop being so dramatic
• Quit being moody
• You’re exhausting
• Don’t make such a big deal out of things
• Don’t be so sensitive
• Why can’t you just be normal?
• Get yourself together before you’ll be taken seriously or acknowledged by those you love

These messages from the people and world around you taught you that your intensity was something that needs to be fixed, shut down, modified, or changed. Not that it’s an actual gift.

A gift? How is that even possible?

Especially when, I bet, you’ve also experienced a sense of fear, helplessness, “out of control-ness” or what I’d call a lack of safety within yourself when your feelings have taken you into some dark, heavy, intense, painful places. So of course, you’ve come to believe that others are right; that you are too much because it actually can feel like too much.

I get it.

Stop Feeling What I’m Feeling

For a long time, I thought I just had to “feel better,” (i.e. I had to stop feeling what I was feeling).

I wanted the anxiety to stop. I wanted to feel happiness. I thought my pain was bad and I needed to get rid of it. My sadness was too much to bear. I wanted the intensity to soften. I wanted to finally feel happy, better, like “everyone else.”

It took a long time discover that the goal should never have been feeling better, feeling happier, to stop being “moody.” It’s not about getting rid of my intensity, it’s not about getting rid of what my body is experiencing.

It is about being able to stay with what I’m experiencing without it taking me over.

What Nervous System Regulation Really Means

When I discovered nervous system regulation practices, I thought “Finally, a way to make myself feel calm, composed, less intense.” And there are a lot of influencers, practitioners, and services that sell you that message. That with their advice or help, you can be “regulated” and that’s going to stop the intensity, the discomfort.

But there’s nuance missing because nervous system regulation isn’t actually about getting rid of anything. It’s building your capacity to stay present with it; to feel safe with it.

What somatic practice taught me was that the goal was never to stop feeling discomfort, anger, sadness, fear, stress, activated, or any other uncomfortable, painful experience.

The goal isn’t feeling better, it’s developing the practice and capacity to stay present to all of that intensity, without the intensity taking you over.

When Intensity Becomes Overwhelm

Overwhelm happens when intensity exceeds your current capacity to stay present with it. Which means intensity doesn’t necessarily equal dysregulation.

There are moments where intensity spirals into something that overtakes you. Spiralling into higher levels of panic, overwhelm, fear or flight. Spiralling down into deeper levels of shutdown, self loathing, helplessness, or shutting others out.

Somatic practice helps your nervous system gain the capacity to notice, “This is a lot. I’m feeling a lot. AND I can stay here with myself. I can feel this without immediately needing to make it stop. I can recognize when I’m becoming overwhelmed and respond before I move further into the spiral. I can find my way back.“

Intensity as a gift

As this capacity builds, you become capable of experiencing more intensity without becoming overwhelmed by it. And then a new possibility emerges. Intensity as a gift.

You’ve spent years trying to suppress or manage the intensity of your world, but with your growing capacity to stay present with the discomfort of intensity, you also unlock the capacity to stay present with the pleasure of intensity.

Intensity is often thought of as negative. But it can also be positive.

You can stop capping your joy. You can reach new levels of excitement, passion, intimacy, love, and aliveness with agency. Life can become richer. Your intensity, your depth of feeling, can become one of the ways you experience the beauty of being alive.

Ready to Build Your Capacity to Stay?